Last Monday was anything but a routine day in our Uturn community. In the middle of the afternoon I received a phone call from one of our tenants at our apartment building on 5th St. He wanted to let me know that there was a significant incident ("Some really f***ed up s**t has gone down...") involving another tenant who lived at the building but wasn't a part of the Uturn program. The events were documented in the media: a 51 year old man was violently assaulted by his former common-law spouse and died.
What happened to our tenants was much more involved. Two of our tenants and two of their friends were upstairs in an apartment when they heard some shouting and a few minutes later they heard someone calling for help. They ran down to find Bradley cornered by a women wielding a large knife and she started stabbing him. The four young men tried to call her off, tried to intervene but she held them at bay. One of our tenants called 911 and the police and ambulance response was lightning fast, about two minutes the guys thought. In that time, Bradley was partially conscious and our young tenants and their friends talked to him saying, "You're going to be ok. Hang in there. We're here. Stay with us. Can you look at us?" The entire time they were doing what they could the woman stood between them and Bradley with the knife, keeping anyone from coming in contact with him.
I debriefed with the guys and a couple of their friends later that evening after they were finished with the police over pizza. Pizza is a wonderful common denominator. It's as pastoral as anything I know. As they told their stories I commented on how proud I was of them, of what they did was nothing short of heroic and the fact that they stayed with Bradley as he died was very, very significant.
I remember (as we all do) when the reservist was shot and killed at the National War Memorial on Ottawa Hill. After he was shot one of the people who came to his side was a nurse who had been involved in palliative care during her career. In a newspaper article she reported that she talked to the young soldier, telling him that he was loved, that he was a brave man and that he wasn't alone, that his family was very proud of him. In the article she remarked that when people die they should know that they are loved and cared for and not alone.
I recalled that article when I listened to our youth tell their stories. They all said that they wished they had done more, wished they had gone down to see what the problem was when they first heard yelling. That's the trauma talking. If only...
We focused on what they did do, what they were able to offer Bradley which was the possibility of not being alone with his attacker when he died. They offered themselves, making themselves tremendously vulnerable both physically and emotionally.
Our youth went from talking about what to do that afternoon to being in the middle of a murder scene, to being with a man as he died and they stayed with it until professionals arrived.
Bradley wasn't alone when he died and our youth made sure of that.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Security
So almost a year has gone by since my last post. That's really an indicator of 2014 in general I think. When I don't do well emotionally and mentally I tend to draw myself in and avoid a lot of things, one of which is vulnerability which this blog is, at least to some extent, for myself.
2014 was a year of extreme restlessness, specifically on the topic of career. I've spent 16+ years with Youth For Christ and I wandered in and out of the idea of leaving for something different consistently throughout the year. I felt so incredibly insecure in my place within the mission with the same questions frequenting my space:
"How much longer can fundraising work to provide a salary?"
"Am I really doing anything impactful?"
"Should I pursue a career where there is some sort of ladder I can climb?"
"How am I going to fix all of this?!?"
These questions and more were consuming my energy and my focus.
I could go on about the struggles of the year, but I want to focus more on what has brought relief. I've been putting off starting this blog again because I've been scared that my sense of being re-energized will evaporate. And quite frankly it's been a bit of a struggle this past week as I've started and stopped writing.
So this certainly isn't as much as an "I'VE ARRIVED" letter as I would prefer and more of a "I think I'm on the plane" notification.
If you hang out with me for any amount of time you'll likely hear me talk about maturity, attachment (essentially the bond between people, most noted and studied in parental & spousal relationships) and connection. I read and learn as much about relationship connection and attachment as I can and it's been very, very informative in my work and for myself personally and it's been directly responsibly for my sense of increased security over the past couple of months.
Essentially attachment is the biological drive to be in close proximity (physically and emotionally) with someone who loves and cares unconditionally for you. As children that is ideally a parent and as an adult it's often a partner or spouse. The younger we are, the more we benefit from and need the contact. The healthy parent helps regulate the emotions and physiological responses of the child and this occurs more through the relationship than through any type of explicit training. The parent provides a home base that is secure and open. This gives the child the ability to explore and risk because they know the parent provides the safety if and when things go wrong. This happens unconsciously for the most part but it is extremely real and essential to healthy child development. Plus attachment is a cradle to the grave experience. It's seen mostly keenly in the relationship between parent and child but it's very clear in adult relationships as well just a little more subtle.
Anyway, I could talk a lot about that but what I have been thinking about for some time is, what does attachment look like on a spiritual level between us and God? The more I pondered this the more I concluded that if God is our creator and the relationships between his creation mirrors our relationship with Him then attachment was possibly a positive way to look at my relationship with God. This isn't reinventing the wheel but it's been a very helpful perspective for me to use.
Essentially I've been working through the process of seeing God as the perfect attachment figure, capable of providing me with the security I need in order to rest. I've been working on trying to allow God to be my Home Base which implies He is The Answer to my Self. As parents we are The Answer to our children. We don't have all the answers but we are capable of being The Answer: safe, secure, compassionate, full of unconditional love.
Rest is a big word and you don't know the significance of it until you experience it. When I was able to experience REST I felt so light and it was like I could do anything without worrying about the unknown. It was amazing to have access to the energy that was being used in the anxiety, and the frantic planning that was going on. Planning for something that wasn't actually occurring! Today rest doesn't feel as accessible as I have experienced it which is disappointing. But I'm not as worried about that as I used to be because I think I know where it's found.
It's found in God as My Answer. I don't care about all the answers just as long as I know that I have a safe refuge to hide in that frees me from trying to cobble together ways to feel secure, financially and professionally.
There is challenge in all of that, no question. When the relationship feels disconnected it's best practice for the attachment figure to pursue the child. If it's in reverse this simply creates more anxiety if the attachment figure doesn't respond. What does that look like in the spiritual relationship? Maybe that means that I need to be aware of the ways God pursues me, to trust Scripture that suggests Jesus stands at my door and knocks, to be mindful of my attempts to cobble instead of actively trying to rest (is it still resting if we're working at it?). Living scared isn't fun, it's just plain exhausting.
To that end I've committed myself to keep my eyes on my paper for 2015, no peeking to see if I can spot some other answers. Easier said than done but I think I've had wandering eyes for long enough...
2014 was a year of extreme restlessness, specifically on the topic of career. I've spent 16+ years with Youth For Christ and I wandered in and out of the idea of leaving for something different consistently throughout the year. I felt so incredibly insecure in my place within the mission with the same questions frequenting my space:
"How much longer can fundraising work to provide a salary?"
"Am I really doing anything impactful?"
"Should I pursue a career where there is some sort of ladder I can climb?"
"How am I going to fix all of this?!?"
These questions and more were consuming my energy and my focus.
I could go on about the struggles of the year, but I want to focus more on what has brought relief. I've been putting off starting this blog again because I've been scared that my sense of being re-energized will evaporate. And quite frankly it's been a bit of a struggle this past week as I've started and stopped writing.
So this certainly isn't as much as an "I'VE ARRIVED" letter as I would prefer and more of a "I think I'm on the plane" notification.
If you hang out with me for any amount of time you'll likely hear me talk about maturity, attachment (essentially the bond between people, most noted and studied in parental & spousal relationships) and connection. I read and learn as much about relationship connection and attachment as I can and it's been very, very informative in my work and for myself personally and it's been directly responsibly for my sense of increased security over the past couple of months.
Essentially attachment is the biological drive to be in close proximity (physically and emotionally) with someone who loves and cares unconditionally for you. As children that is ideally a parent and as an adult it's often a partner or spouse. The younger we are, the more we benefit from and need the contact. The healthy parent helps regulate the emotions and physiological responses of the child and this occurs more through the relationship than through any type of explicit training. The parent provides a home base that is secure and open. This gives the child the ability to explore and risk because they know the parent provides the safety if and when things go wrong. This happens unconsciously for the most part but it is extremely real and essential to healthy child development. Plus attachment is a cradle to the grave experience. It's seen mostly keenly in the relationship between parent and child but it's very clear in adult relationships as well just a little more subtle.
Anyway, I could talk a lot about that but what I have been thinking about for some time is, what does attachment look like on a spiritual level between us and God? The more I pondered this the more I concluded that if God is our creator and the relationships between his creation mirrors our relationship with Him then attachment was possibly a positive way to look at my relationship with God. This isn't reinventing the wheel but it's been a very helpful perspective for me to use.
Essentially I've been working through the process of seeing God as the perfect attachment figure, capable of providing me with the security I need in order to rest. I've been working on trying to allow God to be my Home Base which implies He is The Answer to my Self. As parents we are The Answer to our children. We don't have all the answers but we are capable of being The Answer: safe, secure, compassionate, full of unconditional love.
Rest is a big word and you don't know the significance of it until you experience it. When I was able to experience REST I felt so light and it was like I could do anything without worrying about the unknown. It was amazing to have access to the energy that was being used in the anxiety, and the frantic planning that was going on. Planning for something that wasn't actually occurring! Today rest doesn't feel as accessible as I have experienced it which is disappointing. But I'm not as worried about that as I used to be because I think I know where it's found.
It's found in God as My Answer. I don't care about all the answers just as long as I know that I have a safe refuge to hide in that frees me from trying to cobble together ways to feel secure, financially and professionally.
There is challenge in all of that, no question. When the relationship feels disconnected it's best practice for the attachment figure to pursue the child. If it's in reverse this simply creates more anxiety if the attachment figure doesn't respond. What does that look like in the spiritual relationship? Maybe that means that I need to be aware of the ways God pursues me, to trust Scripture that suggests Jesus stands at my door and knocks, to be mindful of my attempts to cobble instead of actively trying to rest (is it still resting if we're working at it?). Living scared isn't fun, it's just plain exhausting.
To that end I've committed myself to keep my eyes on my paper for 2015, no peeking to see if I can spot some other answers. Easier said than done but I think I've had wandering eyes for long enough...
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