So almost a year has gone by since my last post. That's really an indicator of 2014 in general I think. When I don't do well emotionally and mentally I tend to draw myself in and avoid a lot of things, one of which is vulnerability which this blog is, at least to some extent, for myself.
2014 was a year of extreme restlessness, specifically on the topic of career. I've spent 16+ years with Youth For Christ and I wandered in and out of the idea of leaving for something different consistently throughout the year. I felt so incredibly insecure in my place within the mission with the same questions frequenting my space:
"How much longer can fundraising work to provide a salary?"
"Am I really doing anything impactful?"
"Should I pursue a career where there is some sort of ladder I can climb?"
"How am I going to fix all of this?!?"
These questions and more were consuming my energy and my focus.
I could go on about the struggles of the year, but I want to focus more on what has brought relief. I've been putting off starting this blog again because I've been scared that my sense of being re-energized will evaporate. And quite frankly it's been a bit of a struggle this past week as I've started and stopped writing.
So this certainly isn't as much as an "I'VE ARRIVED" letter as I would prefer and more of a "I think I'm on the plane" notification.
If you hang out with me for any amount of time you'll likely hear me talk about maturity, attachment (essentially the bond between people, most noted and studied in parental & spousal relationships) and connection. I read and learn as much about relationship connection and attachment as I can and it's been very, very informative in my work and for myself personally and it's been directly responsibly for my sense of increased security over the past couple of months.
Essentially attachment is the biological drive to be in close proximity (physically and emotionally) with someone who loves and cares unconditionally for you. As children that is ideally a parent and as an adult it's often a partner or spouse. The younger we are, the more we benefit from and need the contact. The healthy parent helps regulate the emotions and physiological responses of the child and this occurs more through the relationship than through any type of explicit training. The parent provides a home base that is secure and open. This gives the child the ability to explore and risk because they know the parent provides the safety if and when things go wrong. This happens unconsciously for the most part but it is extremely real and essential to healthy child development. Plus attachment is a cradle to the grave experience. It's seen mostly keenly in the relationship between parent and child but it's very clear in adult relationships as well just a little more subtle.
Anyway, I could talk a lot about that but what I have been thinking about for some time is, what does attachment look like on a spiritual level between us and God? The more I pondered this the more I concluded that if God is our creator and the relationships between his creation mirrors our relationship with Him then attachment was possibly a positive way to look at my relationship with God. This isn't reinventing the wheel but it's been a very helpful perspective for me to use.
Essentially I've been working through the process of seeing God as the perfect attachment figure, capable of providing me with the security I need in order to rest. I've been working on trying to allow God to be my Home Base which implies He is The Answer to my Self. As parents we are The Answer to our children. We don't have all the answers but we are capable of being The Answer: safe, secure, compassionate, full of unconditional love.
Rest is a big word and you don't know the significance of it until you experience it. When I was able to experience REST I felt so light and it was like I could do anything without worrying about the unknown. It was amazing to have access to the energy that was being used in the anxiety, and the frantic planning that was going on. Planning for something that wasn't actually occurring! Today rest doesn't feel as accessible as I have experienced it which is disappointing. But I'm not as worried about that as I used to be because I think I know where it's found.
It's found in God as My Answer. I don't care about all the answers just as long as I know that I have a safe refuge to hide in that frees me from trying to cobble together ways to feel secure, financially and professionally.
There is challenge in all of that, no question. When the relationship feels disconnected it's best practice for the attachment figure to pursue the child. If it's in reverse this simply creates more anxiety if the attachment figure doesn't respond. What does that look like in the spiritual relationship? Maybe that means that I need to be aware of the ways God pursues me, to trust Scripture that suggests Jesus stands at my door and knocks, to be mindful of my attempts to cobble instead of actively trying to rest (is it still resting if we're working at it?). Living scared isn't fun, it's just plain exhausting.
To that end I've committed myself to keep my eyes on my paper for 2015, no peeking to see if I can spot some other answers. Easier said than done but I think I've had wandering eyes for long enough...
