Away in a Manger

Every night at bed time at our house is a slice of Christmas. That's because I get to sing "Away in a Manger" as a bed time song to my 4 year old daughter, Grace. Ever since it made it's appearance in December last year it has been a fan favorite. It matters not to her that it's traditionally a Christmas song. For her it's like a comfy stuffy.

Two nights ago I was tucking her in bed and she was having a hard time. Grace cries buckets of tears when she weeps and this is often the end result of being very tired. As I pulled up the blanket to her chin she asked me the very familiar question, "Can you sing (sob, sob) Away in a Manger?" As I brushed away over sized drops from her cheek I of course agreed and began the nightly ritual. She stopped crying as she heard the first of three verses and when the last note was off my lips she gently said, "Goodnight Dad" and she was off, putting another day behind her.

I paused on the bed and wondered, how long will this work before a tired childrens Christmas song won't work? When will it no longer be enough to quiet the tears and usher her into a peaceful sleep? When will I not be enough to keep her safe and to chase away the scary moments and the moments that hurt so bad? I couldn't help but feel incredibly helpless and vulnerable. I'm not really into keeping my kids in a bubble, but the older they get the more safe it seems. With every hint that Olivia brings home from school about a school friend not including her I wonder if maybe isolating them completely wouldn't be so bad? Of course that's impossible and if not impossible then seriously irresponsible. The terrible beauty of life is that we're supposed to love and love hard with as few restrictions as possible. And that's where the cruel joke of love comes in: the more you love the more you lose. Sure the gains are marvelous, but eventually the returns on the investment are called in. To isolate yourself from others so that you don't love is safe, and in likely the most sane thing you can do. Teaching my kids to love with abandonment is only setting themselves up for heart ache. And there are times when heart ache seems to be it's own calling in life.

But where would I be without choosing to love? I certainly wouldn't find myself on the bottom portion of a bunk bed singing Away in a Manger when it's 30 degrees outside. What a shame that would be. Love is a double edged sword and there are times when that handle will turn into the blade and leave a mark, like it or not.

More later...