Meandering

I could comment on the fact that my last post was Feb 2010, but I won't.  I do have the scene in my mind from Monty Python's "In Search of the Holy Grail" where the "dead collector" has a fellow over his shoulder who keeps saying, "I'm not quite dead yet..."

A couple of months ago my family was driving in Brandon, heading home from watching "Despicable Me 2" when Julie suggested we take a detour and drive down a random street just to take a look at the neighborhood and any possible homes for sale (we contemplate moving every so often).  I immediately slowly shook my head and kept driving muttering something about "let's just head home." My keen wife sighed slightly and said something to the effect of, "you don't have much meandering in you, do you?" I recall I stiffened becoming slightly defensive and muttered some type of awkward retort.  

I contemplated her observation later and realized how accurate it truly was.  I suck at meandering.  I enjoy getting things done in the most efficient, fastest way possible and if there are any possible detours in my plan I get rather annoyed.  I likely have an big A with a straight line to a corresponding big B tattoo somewhere on my body.  Like almost all traits this can come in very handy and it can really bite a guy in the ass. When I start a task I typically put my nose to the grindstone so I can get it done, often wanting to get jobs or chores completed before anything else happens.  The ass biting part comes in when  I seemingly don't (or can't) allow myself to take that detour when it presents itself and/ or just recognize that getting to "the end" is not always the point.  As I thought about Julie's comment I recognized how I have a difficult time just reading a book for the enjoyment of it as opposed to just soaking in the info.  When I start a book I just want to get to the end.  There is a felt sensation of slight anxiety because I just want to "get it done."  This explains why fiction has never been a draw to me, there is little "information" to be gleaned.  I'm much more inclined to read books that directly impact my vocation.  Songwriting is something I thought I enjoyed but I have come to realize I enjoy the final "product" and not the process so much.  I have tremendous difficulty with leisure time with no specific aim or final "product."  

Enter swimming lessons at Treherne.  Our girls had two lessons a day, morning and late afternoon with a gap of about 5 hours in between.  Three of the five days we were there we spent the down time in the pool and the other two days were "leisurely."  My wife is much better at this than I am so she suggested to basically play rural tourist and take in the sites and sounds of the area.  We took in the Treherne museum, toured the Bottle Buildings (there's no explanation required here.  They are buildings made of... bottles), drove down the road and had a snack at the Holland windmill, bought fresh donuts at the Treherne bakery and I think slowly drove down every street in Treherne.  Pretty sure people thought we were creepy creepsters but that's alright.  I had a great week.  It took time for me not to feel anxious and allow my sense of urgency to rest, but as the week wore on I felt an increasingly greater ability to allow myself to be leisurely.  As far as meandering goes, you can't get much more meandering that driving up and down the streets of Treherne just because you want to check out the town.  And a couple of times it was my own initiative...

Unfortunately as the week ended so too did my ability to be a little leisurely.  On the Saturday after our swim week Julie was working and all the kids were with their grandparents for a few hours in the afternoon.  I had worked my butt off in the morning trying to take care some of the things neglected after a week of essentially being away from the house and I told myself that I would sit down with my guitar in the afternoon and play or maybe even post something on this blog that was on life support.  I actually opened the computer and then I thought, "hmmmmm, I should really weed whack" which led to a full lawn care session, etc., etc.  In the end my detour that invited me was left standing alone in at the Soc Hop with no dance partner.  So I'm not a pro at this yet.  

The reason for a new post?  This blog is part of my self-care I think.  Who knows, it might be three more years before there's another post.  But in the end it's not life or death and perhaps that's one of my issues, that I over-think my choices and decisions too much.  Scratch out the "perhaps".  It's hard to meander when almost every choice feels like it has much weight which on a purely cognitive level doesn't make sense but we're all so much more than our cognitions.  But that's a different post...