What I've been considering is, how do we define the character of people? Are humans resilient or are we fragile? Perhaps the answer is a resounding, yes.
I work with people all the time, either trying to be a partner in healing or livingly different or trying to help people see that it may be a good idea to address some pain or areas to be different in. I prefer the latter. I don't know how good I really am at motivational interviewing. People suffer with an immense spectrum of emotional pain and/ or psychological symptoms without being aware of the source. As the source is understood and named it's often like uncovering a fossil; the first sight of it looks incredibly significant but as the excavation continues it becomes clear that it's much larger than first considered. And often those bones have their source in childhood to a certain degree, or at least something can be discovered there that helps explain other choices, decisions and consequences. And as I work with the person and we gently excavate an area we highlight hurts, longings, disappointments and grief together. In that process there can be healing of a variety of proportions. For some the "dig" is sufficient. For many others it is only a part of their restoration and often the more challenging work comes in putting things in an order that feels like it brings more vitality and life.
It's hard work to be different. Friggin' hard work. I see it all the time in my work with Uturn and as a therapist. It's not only hard work but it can be incredibly challenging work to overcome all the hurts, unfulfilled longings, disappointments and grief. And there is a difference between hard work and challenging work. I remember transferring the sand out of our enormous sandbox when we sold our house and taking it to our new place. I figured out (because I'm a little ridiculous about these things) that there was about 3000 pounds of sand in that box and I moved it using a shovel, a wheelbarrow and my father-in-laws trailer and then replayed the scenario once I got to the new place. That was HARD work, but there wasn't anything challenging about it.
But I digress. I could get lost in discussion on the development of psychopathology , etc. but my discussion has four parts. First, we all experience emotional pain or discomfort to a certain degree. It may or may not be lifelong. It may or may not be invasive. It may or not be overwhelming to the point of shutting down our systems. But we all experience it. Don't forget that when you're dealing with your friends, family and neighbors. They likely won't show you but they are experiencing something they feel like they could live without.
Second, it can be hard to beat.
Third, people have an amazing capacity to keep moving while under a mountain of hurt, pain and challenges. I am constantly reminded of the resiliency of people to continue forging relationships, holding down jobs, keeping their families together, being active in their churches while all the time fighting terrifying fights that go unseen and unnoticed. Being a Dad and Sunday School teacher while at the same time having a very real struggle with trying to remain alive. I witness spectacular things.
Fourth, I hate that it's so hard to get in the clear. There's a part of me that wonders, 'God, why couldn't you have made us a tougher stock?' Thicker skinned, heavier armour? (Huh, just had a thought about that but that's fodder for a different post).
It's that last point that frustrates me the most and gets me confused as I try to characterize people. Are we so fragile that bad relationships as kids can affect us our entire lives? And of course it's much more complicated than that, but do you get my drift? And on top of that, the process of fixing how we live because of those bad relationships can take a very, very long time and may never be complete. Perhaps the fact that it can take so much work to rectify bad childhood relationships (and I'm just using that as one example of where the coloring starts going outside the lines) tells us how critical and significant the hurts, bumps, bruises and gashes are that happen to us.
And yet, see my third point. So the question is, are we fragile or are we strong? The answer is yes and I have to get used to the tension in that.
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